Thank you to the very astute and highly amused Big Oceans for pointing out the new heights to which Melbourne pretendy newspaper The Age rose majestically yesterday.
As you know, I am not very good at photoshop so I did not make this up. I couldn’t make this up. I would think this was a very laborious way of making the point that The Age is crappy, if it were not for the fact that The Age really is this crappy.
You heard it here first.
My favourite bit is how they try to make it news by mentioning other incidents involving Britney that have been in the news “She won’t be running over anyone’s foot in her car BECAUSE SHE HAS A FLAT TYRE!” and “her kids are gone so she’s feeling even worse now that she’s GOT A FLAT TYRE!”
I’m surprised they aren’t trying harder to make it newsworthy actually. “Third world debt is ballooning out of control, which Britney must have been contemplating WHEN SHE GOT A FLAT TYRE!”
“Hillary Clinton won the New Hampshire primary with no help from Britney who HAD A FLAT TYRE!”
In other news, it’s very hot today. It’s going to be 42 degrees in Mildura. Some people think this is because of global warming. Obviously they are failing to account for BRITNEY’S FLAT TYRE.
Did you know there are writers in Melbourne without work? Quelle hilair!
So, as George Bush convinces his coalition of the willing to gear up against Iran, the globe heats up, Kenya descends from democracy into chaos, the most powerful nation in the world launches a political campaign that could effect us all, spare a thought for the real news items that some fearless journalist somewhere is covering without concern for his or her own safety. Maybe Paris is getting out of a car. Maybe Enrique is scratching his botty. These journalists are the reason we fight for our freedom. Spare a thought for them.
I’m so glad you profiled this heinous act Lorin. As you can imagine, I was absolutely mortified when I saw the headline. Here I am, on the other side of the globe, I can’t read the papers, and the radio is an earful of incomprehensible dialects, and this is what I find. To think, I request bits all the way from Australia, only to receive bytes of such little worth, I’m forced into getting any real insights on global matters from The Onion, which we all know is the only real paper left anyway. Silly me. So, I trust all your concerned readers will now be facing their reading habits and browsers away from The Age, to the more reliable sources of information we now have available. If The Onion is too serious for you, I’m sure that 13 year old blogger from Kent, covering the Darfur crisis in excellent detail and journalistic rigueur sans Britney will suffice. Nick.
SHE GOT A FLAT TYRE!? Holy BatFuck Spiderman! QUICK, WHERE DO I SEND A CARE PACKAGE?! BIIIIIIIIIIIIITTY, HANG ON, ILL CALL THE RACV!!!!!!!!!! Concerned, in Melbourne xxxx